im furious.

Its been over a month since I scribbled something on this side of my universe.  As usual, I have had a couple of ideas in mind about the things I could share but I never really got myself into actually doing it. But what happened to me last week compelled me to finally write  rant.

For a month now, I have been volunteering at a local hospital. Its quite small since it’s a primary institution but the patients we have been catering to are TOXIC- that’s nurse lingo for…well, patients with complicated diseases.  Heart problems and pulmonary diseases all abound our hospital. You get the idea.

 For the duration of 6 months as a volunteer, we would be assigned to a different area every month. There’s not so much of an “area” we would be assigned to since there’s just the Ward or ER. LOL

This month, I was assigned at the ER. Great. I DON’T LIKE ER. (Madali lang kasi akong mataranta. In short, tarantada.I may be tarantada but Im NOT slow. Tarantada BUT quick naman. Haha )

And so, it was my first duty at the ER last Monday. It started out okay until one of the patients confined at the ward became…toxic so say the least. Everyone was in a hurry to attend to the patient. He was transferred to the ER so that there would be more room for everyone to move and assist. My co-volunteer and I gave way to the senior and staff nurses while we handed over whatever was being asked. The scene was chaotic.  911 had been called to transfer the patient to a tertiary hospital. I was able to assist in ventilating the patient with ambubag while the other volunteer helped in CPR. We were able to stabilize the patient UNTIL, the patient pulled out his tube despite having been restrained. He extubated himself right after 911 arrived. The scene became even more chaotic. The team had to re-insert another tube to stabilize him but time was not on our side. I was witness to a man’s death that afternoon. Despite everyone’s effort in the ER to save his life, he passed away. Although the patient had already a flat line, the team still continued CPR in an attempt to save him.

I looked at the clock and it was almost 2pm. I realized that the commotion had been going on for at least 3 hours. That was when I remembered a staff nurse endorsed me her patients at the ward earlier, as they anticipated the transfer. Since clearly, everyone was still busy because of the emergency and I knew I was of little help in that room because of inexperience, I took it upon myself to go to the ward to attend to the needs of the patient of both two staff nurses where I could confidently be able to help.  I figured, if everyone was at the ER, who’s attending to the rest of the patients?  Even though I was assigned at the ER, I was asked to attend to these patients earlier that day while the staff nurse assigned to the arresting patient attended to that particular person. And so I did. The day ended with everyone still shocked, tired, and hungry.  Needless to say, we had lunch at 2:45 that afternoon. 15 minutes away from the next shift.

The following day, every staff and volunteer knew about what had happened. This was expected. During endorsement, all the things that has happened previously would be endorsed.  (Kung may propesyon man ng mga chismosa, isali mo na ang mga nurses. Don’t get upset if you disagree with me. Alam ko ‘to kasi nga NURSE ako.lol)  

A meeting was called to address the issues that the consultant had noticed during that emergency situation. I knew it was about the ER incident. As the meeting went on, I felt uneasy. People were looking at me and my co-volunteer intently. I thought they all had staring problems or something was on my face. LOL But later that day, I knew exactly why they all looked at me in that manner.

It was endorsement time for the afternoon shift and my partner and I headed to the ER to listen to the endorsement. Since my partner was busy talking to some of the patients, I quietly sat at a corner and waited for the other volunteers and staff to begin. I was just a few meters away when I heard a senior nurse, the same nurse who was also on duty during the chaotic incident last Monday, make kwento to the next shift that she never saw my partner helping during the emergency. I was shocked. My partner did CPR and she did not saw him help?   Then she saw me and asked, “Ikaw Cathleen, wala lagi tika nakita nitabang?”  (Namaannn. My name’s Kat maam. KAT!)  I FRIGGIN choked up. I could not defend myself and remind her neurotic brain that I was beside her when I did the ambubag and held on to that laryngoscope and ET tube for hours while they were attempting to revive the patient. And then I proceeded to the Ward after the patient was pronounced dead. An order that the staff nurse told me which directly came from her. *WHEW!!!* Im sorry for the run-on sentences. If my post could breathe it would have been out of breath.

I was lucky.  The staff nurse heard what the senior citizen  nurse was blabbering about and she quickly reminded her that her brain must have been shut down for a day that she could not remember what I did. I was relieved- but not quite. I was furious. Yes. Maybe the senior has a degenerative brain disorder,  but I thought the way she handled it was unprofessional. She told that story in front of the resident doctor, the next senior nurse….practically the entire afternoon shit shift. How hard is it to ask a person? She could have just asked me personally and NOT in front of everybody else.

They were right. The previous volunteers already gave me a heads-up about the senior. She will absolutely pin everyone else down if something did not go right. Her style is that, she’ll tell everybody else and blame it to other nurses just to save herself.  LOSER STYLE.  The obvious thing that will happen is that most of the people will believe her since she’s already…well…old. lol

 But what pissed me off even more was that I did not stand up for myself. *bummer*

I got home, slumped on the bed, and cried. Told my boyfriend and a close friend just to let it all out.

It does not help when you feel like you’re in the wrong profession and you do your best only for some ancient human being to bring you down.

Everyday, I suppress the feeling that I hate my job. Im trying so hard to put on a cheery face and make sense of it all. I don’t like watching people die. Im not that strong. Its on those situations where I meet people during the worst day of their life.

*Don’t ask me why I took up Nursing. That’s another story.*

Right now, I am calling upon  my Higher POWER.

REMIND ME AGAIN WHY I AM IN THIS PROFESSION. PLEASE.

Do you hate your job? Wanna join the club?